Such a long time of silence the Lord has given my heart – I now have 2 daughters that I long to share my heart with, and share what God is teaching me on this journey of sanctication. The more I study and the more I desire to know and learn, the more I see how very far away from God’s holiness I am. But the upside of this is – there is the constant reminder that I need Him so very much in my life!
This past 6 months, God has led me down a spiritual road far beyond any place I’ve ever been before. I never really thought of sanctification and what it meant. I never really questioned the things I had been taught my entire life – especially things the church taught. I never (well, rarely) thought on – “Is there more to this life than believing in God and then being happy with life in general”.
I was happy to read the Bible to you, pray before meals and if a specific need came up, and go to church. “Christian life” seemed good. But then one day I realized it was far from good. I felt as if I was lukewarm – I had lost my first love for sure. I needed more than “feel good” things, I needed meat – I need God in a way that I had never really given much thought to. Wasn’t I good enough?
Many circumstances led to my heart seeking and searching for more. Seeking and searching for truth. Seeking and searching to know God and be known of Him.
I’ve had to let go of things and relationships that He didn’t have for me at the time. I’ve had to step back and learn to simply be quiet. (And what a beautiful place that can be!!!) It’s been hard at times, but I can see how true the verse is that “ALL things work together for GOOD” to those that love the Lord and are called according to HIS purpose. Even those bad experiences that are unpleasant or even painful are good when we see that they are God’s tools to sanctify our hearts and draw us closer to Him!
But as I began seeking what the Lord wanted in my life – what He wanted to teach me – what season He had for me… He opened doors and opportunities to unite with others that were on the same path. How exciting to learn about the Lord with others – to share the excitement of seeing God working in our hearts!
There was a time of mountaintop excitement – and it was good. But over the past few months, that time has come crashing down into the depths of despair, so to speak. I was just sharing with your dad last night how it seems everything I knew and trusted in has slipped away, how I’m at the bottom, and feel that all is shattered. So many things I thought to be truth are being questioned in light of Scripture. Then I wondered though if this is not where God wants me?
Is it really a bad place to feel you know nothing at all? To feel so completely lost and alone at times? Is this not the time when we cry out to God most diligently, when we realize our need for Him the most? Is this not the time when His Words and corrections are most precious?
While it’s a hard season right now, I’m rejoicing. Rejoicing in the truth of James 1:2-6, “My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering.”
God is trying my faith, He’s working in my heart… and those times when I feel like a fish floundering around out of water, well, those are the times I can cry out to Him and ask for wisdom – and He WILL give it!
We’re walking in faith in new waters – things that we’ve always accepted and never really questioned. All we can do right now is walk by faith in what God places on our hearts. When He speaks, we can stop and hear – then follow in obedience. I’m thankful for the verses above – to know that when I don’t have all of the answers, I can cry out to the One that does.
From my heart to yours,